• 5

    No. 5 usually isn't very good.

    The hardest part of any list in which you countdown from five to one? You’re starting with the worst part. Hey, we’re trying to hook you into reading this list! Guess how we’re going to start – with the runt of the litter! I mean, gosh, it was hard to even come up with five things to put on this list. They can’t all be winners, can they? No. 5, you get a medal just for showing up!

  • 4

    No one EVER reads No. 4.

    This is where you can go totally gonzo in any Top 5 list, because people are just going to blow past this one. Bubble ball bubble ball anywhere slip and slide, So! Much! Yes!  See, no one read this at all. One time I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die. Haha, you'll never catch me, coppers!

  • 3

    No. 3 should be No. 1, but the list maker is trying to play it cool.

    No. 1 is always blindingly obvious, isn’t it? Not if you’re trying to be hip, though. You knock that bad boy down a couple pegs. Makes you seem dangerous, like you’re going to shake up someone’s world. Suddenly, everything is up for grabs. Up is down. Cats love dogs. Republicans love Democrats.

  • 2

    Padding. Just SOOO much padding. Just skip all this fluff and get to the good stuff, why don’t you? Why do you have to draaaaaaaaag this out? Are you getting paid by the word?

    I mean, this is the worst, isn’t it? You were trying to be so cool by putting No. 1 at No. 3, but that means you have promote some scrub to the No. 2 spot.  And then, it just feels like you’re going on and on and on about it. Can people see through this clever ruse? Surely they must, right? But you keep plowing on through, ‘cause really, what else can you do? You can’t show weakness in a Top 5 list, kid. They’ll smell your fear. And heck, why do you need their approval anyway? Own that mess, son. This is No. 2, and no one can take that away from you.  EVER! You are the authority. Sylvester Stallone said “I AM THE LAW!” in Judge Dredd, and cripes, ain’t it the truth!

  • 1

    They make you scroll all the way down to see the good stuff.

    Either that or it’s terribly disappointing.