I’m still learning Lake Charles. Heck, I’m still learning Louisiana in general, and southwest Louisiana is even more confusing. Some of the words people use around here are less like words and more like random groups of letters that got drunk at a party and decided to form a gang.

I’ve been spending a lot of time on the internets, researching the area so I can try to blend in and stop asking questions like, “What’s a shoe-peak? It sounds kinda like something dirty old men do in department store dressing rooms.” (Oh, wait. It’s just a town, and it’s spelled Choupique. Because of course it is.)

During my research, I’ve uncovered a lot of fascinating information about SWLA’s history and culture and encounters with extraterrestrial life forms bent on the annihilation of all mankind.

Wait. What?

Yeah, it turns out our area is a hotbed of UFO activity. No, seriously. Check out these reports from ufo-hunters.com.

  • 1

    Tattoo Attack

    Sighted: February 29, 2016

    Location: Lake Charles, Louisiana

    This poor guy was assaulted with “electronic fog” in his house that "stuck to his eyes" so he couldn’t see. He was also bombarded with “beaming lights” that made the “ancient Egyptian rune tattoo” on his leg that “stands for energy” cramp up, which is weird because Egyptians didn’t even use runes, but whatever. I guess the aliens were just drawn to the ancient cosmic power of whichever hieroglyph the tattoo artist said meant energy. Or maybe it was the “alien DNA or object” this guy has "within" him. Who knows?

    ufo-hunters.com
  • 2

    Hello

    Sighted: November 7, 2015

    Location: Lake Charles, Louisiana

    A white, star-shaped object was sighted by this person. It was moving forward, backwards, and side to side, but it was not - I repeat, NOT - “blinking hello”, probably because these aliens suffer from social anxiety and don’t know how to behave at parties. The person “seen it started moving from the north to the south slowly but at a reasonable speed” which is nice, because an alien spacecraft moving at unreasonable speeds is just plain rude.

    ufo-hunters.com
  • 3

    Duck Dynasty

    Sighted: January 17, 2014

    Location: Sweet Lake, Louisiana

    A man who has been "Duck Hunting" for over 50 Years and never quite figured out when to Capitalize Words reported this sighting of a “Bright ‘Star-Shaped’ object, possibly out of the Atmosphere” while he was out Duck Hunting. He says it moved “irradically”, which is basically like moving erratically, but with different letters. It moved “a little forward, then a little to the Left, and a little to the Right”, which sounds a lot like it was trying to do a line dance to me. But then the man asks, “maybe Stopping again???” with three question marks, so you know he means business. So maybe not.

    ufo-hunters.com
  • 4

    Stupid E.T.

    Sighted: December 9, 2014

    Location: Sulphur, Louisiana

    “It look like it was try to say or do.”

    I have no idea what that means, but I’m guessing the aliens were trying to communicate, but just couldn’t quite figure out how words work. Which is kind of weird, considering they can cross the vast, empty nothingness of space and have mastered technologies so far beyond human comprehension that we'd probably mistake them for magic - but they can’t manage a simple hello.

    Aliens can be kind of stupid.

    ufo-hunters.com
  • 5

    Intergalactic Planetary

    Sighted: August 8, 2012

    Location: Sulphur, Louisiana

    This guy was just innocently playing basketball outside when tiny aliens landed and whisked him away to their home planet of Zaldrax. Which, naturally, has a different “time frame” from Earth, so two weeks here translates to two years there. He goes on to say that the aliens can speak any language they want, so I guess these were different aliens from all the other aliens on this list that just do things like stand around in their spaceships and flick the lights off and on a bunch of times to communicate with humans in the same way elementary school students try to get their students to stop talking.

    ufo-hunters.com