The thought of attending school never appealed to me as a kid or a grown up. The only redeeming value I could find in the whole process was the prospect of getting a new box of Crayola Crayons. Not just any box of Crayola's the big 64 box with the built in sharpener. There was just something about having that amenity of sharp crayons at my disposal that made me feel as rich as a Rockefeller.

One thing about the big box of 64 crayons that I never understood was the need for so many similar colors. What really is the difference between red-orange and orange-red? That is why I have come up with my own spectrum of colors that I think really would give the user a better handle on artistic design and impression. Sadly the Crayola people do not share my sense of  chromatic creativity and all of my suggestions for colors have been categorically denied. Here are 5 of my favorite colors that Crayola forgot.


Fat Guy Face Red- This is the color you can see on almost any Saturday morning where lawns are being mowed. You can also see this color on Sunday afternoons during a Saints game where the officials have been trained at the Helen Keller school for missed calls. The hue of this color is slightly brighter than pink with flecks of bright red splashed through out. If this color had a smell it would be of old socks, bacon and despair.


Bow Wow White- This color based on a naturally occurring organic material is usually found in the neighbors yard if you have a dog. If you don't own a dog it will be found in your yard usually a few steps away from your mailbox. It is the color that dog droppings acquire after baking several days in the hot summer sun. The chalky white facade is accented by a deeper and rich mahogany color underneath. This color would be most useful for anyone who was drawing pictures of Lady GaGa or the late Nipsey Russell. If this color had a sound, it would be the sound of curse words drifting over a freshly manicured lawn.


Turbulent Green- This color is often seen on regional airline flights between major hubs and smaller communities that only have an airport because somebody was owed a huge political favor.  This color occurs on the faces of passengers who are experiencing the joy of flight through afternoon thunderstorms. It is a combination of sweaty pink combined with a green similar to fresh avocado. If this color had a sound it would be a noise that sounded strikingly similar to someone saying Buick in a slow and labored tone.


Grandpa's Big Toe- Finally a color that allows us to show some respect to our elders and point out to our elders that they should be wearing closed toe shoes. This color is derived from the hue that is often displayed on the big toenail of those over the age of 65. It is a delicate mixture of a soft saffron, crawfish fat, jaundice baby face and earthworm innards. Basically I am describing toe fungus but I'm trying to make it sound pretty. The artist might choose to color with this shade when trying to accurately depict the color of  Hillary Clinton's hair or the Green Bay Packers helmets.


Wife Eyes- This color is often seen reflected off the faces of unsuspecting husbands. This color, that is a combination of hot white death mixed with purple daggers of revenge and tinged with a small amount of jealous rage, usually occurs when the male of the species has been caught staring to long at Kellie Pickler, Kelly Ripa, The U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team or  Beach Volleyball. This is one of the few colors that can literally burn a hole into the canvas or paper so the user must be careful to temper it with ample amounts of, I'm Sorry Honey, What Girl? or How About We Go Shoe Shopping.

Wife Eyes has been very artistically used in the portraits of Tiger Woods' former wife, Kobe Bryant's former wife and most recently Katie Holmes. It is not recommended that males attempt to use this crayon with out proper eye protection and adequate legal counsel. Side effects could include the loss of homes, cars and half of your income.


So there are my five suggested colors that the Crayola people said "NO" to. For the life of me I can't understand why they don't want to add the colors of real life to their big box of 64.