For the entire month of November, we're giving you two chances per weekday to win $1,000.  If you can work a telephone and you can hear sounds, you can win.  But the question soon becomes -- "How do I spend all this cash?"  It's the same question I ask myself twice a month with my $16 paycheck gets deposited.

I've done some research so that you can narrow down your buying choices.  You're welcome.

  • 1

    Buy 125 Copies of "The Batman Handbook: The Ultimate Training Manual"

    Because No One Can Tell You Not to Be a Batman

    How many times have you been out in the street when you see a crime happening?  Too many times, right?  And what can you do?  Nothing.  Nothing is what you can do, because you aren't Batman, dammit.  Oh well, crime wins, I guess.

    But wait!  What if someone could teach you to Batman?  Suddenly, all crime could stop because you could stop it!  As a Batman -- no, a REAL Batman.  This is exactly what society needs.  Buy all 125 copies and teach all your friends to Batman.
  • 2

    Buy 47 Copies of "Bombproof Your Horse"

    Because What if Your Horse Explodes?

    It would seem that perhaps 220 pages is a bit excessive in teaching a person to bombproof a horse.  (I can do it in once sentence:  Put your horse in an underground concrete bunker!  Done!)

    As it turns out, though, this book is really about how to train a horse not to be afraid of anything.  And that's not half as entertaining as the title would lead you to believe.  Still, this is worth owning just for the conversations it might start.  When people ask about it, give them the crazy eye and say, "That book saved my horse's life!  And I don't even OWN a horse."
  • 3

    Buy 139 "Emergency Underwear Dispensers"

    Because S*it Happens

    How many times has this happened to you?  You're standing around talking to friends when you realize, "Oh, for Pete's sake, I forgot to put on underwear!"  What do you do?  Go to the store and buy underwear?  That's crazy talk.  You have to do what I do, keep Emergency Underwear Dispensers in every room of my house, every room in our office and in a few strategically hidden places around the community.  (By all means, help yourself to my emergency underwear if you come across a dispenser.)  Never be caught 'commando' again.
  • 4

    Buy 24 "Boyfriend Body Pillows"

    Because Nothing Can Hold You More Tenderly Than Your Own Sadness

    Yet another scenario for you:  You're laying in bed, wishing you had someone's arm around you, consumed by your own desperation for simple human cuddling.  Your options are limited.  Until you buy this.  With the Boyfriend Body Pillow (yes, they have Girlfriend Body Pillows, too) you can be held in the single arm of your imaginary, fabric lover and dream of the day when your life isn't so crushingly depressing.
  • 5

    Buy 133 "Adult Men's Plush Turkey Hats"

    Because Turkey on Your Head, Dammit. Turkey On Your Head!

    Thanksgiving always sucks so hard for men because there's no hats.  Thank the Lord someone stepped up and created a plush replica of a turkey's cooked corpse for you to stick your head in!  In its neck, no less!  Thanksgiving is finally saved!  Men of America, do your patriotic duty and stick your head up that plush turkey's booty!
  • 6

    Buy 10 "Deer's Rear Bottle Openers"

    Because There's Just Something About A Deer's Butt that Makes Beer Better

    I know that for some of you, it's tough running around the woods, trying to find a deer whose butt you can use as a bottle opener.  They just won't stay still, dagnabbit!  Thankfully, these entrepreneurs have saved you the trouble of having to kill a deer, getting its butt stuffed, and installing a bottle opener within said butt.  Oh yeah, it's Christmas morning for deer butt enthusiasts.
  • 7

    Buy 176 Rolls of "Obama Toilet Paper"

    Because It's Nice When the President Kisses Your Butt

    So you hate Obama, do you?  You don't know hate until you've put a man's face on toilet paper.  That's when you learn hate.
  • 8

    Buy 105 "Donkey's Butt Cigarette Dispensers"

    Because You Were Jealous of the Deer's Rear Bottle Opener Owners

    If you liked item No. 7, you are no longer invited to my home.  Also, you will love this item, which dispenses cigarettes from a donkey's butt.  Hallelujah, society has reached its peak!  It's all downhill from here, folks.  As the world crumbles, you'll know who the wealthy and powerful are -- they'll be the ones with donkey butt cigarettes.  Get in on the ground floor now!