Corporate Provides Hilarious Hurricane Procedures to Local Branch
We managed to get our hands on this official copy of an area office's confidential hurricane procedures. We can't reveal the name of the company for obvious legal reasons, but we thought this information might be helpful to local independent businesses looking for guidance on what to do during a storm.
Emergency Hurricane and Tropical Storm Procedures
*Guidelines provided by Corporate Head Office
In accordance with all national, state, and local laws and applicable to all regional branches, please adhere to the following protocols and procedures relevant to the severity of whatever storm is about to unleash hell upon your market.
If three or more of the spaghetti models showing approximately 50,000 possible paths for the storm agree on it making landfall over your area, please make preparations to come in early to avoid getting caught in the worst of it and, consequently, potentially being late to work. Complementary rope will be provided to every employee so you can strap yourself to your desk in the event of devastating high winds. In the event of severe flooding, life jackets will be provided on an as-needed basis starting with upper management first and working our way down to the interns if we have time. Safety first!
Please report to work before the storm hits, as tardiness will not be tolerated. In the likely event we lose electricity, hand-cranked generators will be made available upon request while interns will be responsible for generating the majority of our electrical needs by taking alternating shifts on the bamboo and coconut bicycle provided by the Professor from Gilligan’s Island. As a special thank you, complimentary stale coffee will be served in the break room from 9:00am to 9:05am.
If necessary due to potential flooding, interns in flat-bottom boats, Louisiana pirogues, and inflatable pool floaties from the dollar store will be provided as Lyft and Uber alternatives. Standard ride sharing rates will apply, with additional charges to be determined on a case-by-case basis depending on the presence of hazardous conditions such as snakes, gators, and/or whether or not that old crazy dude on the corner has been drinking all day. (Payments will be automatically deducted from employee paychecks and added to the general manager’s annual bonus for your convenience.)
Pre-made sandwiches with unnecessary condiments no one likes will be generously provided by corporate to discourage leaving the office for lunch during potentially dangerous storm conditions. We care about your safety.
Report to the office on time and ready to work. Branch managers will be expected to purchase expired grocery store cake at a discount and make it available to all employees as a special treat for being team players during these trying times.
Due to heavy rain and high wind conditions, Friday casual dress will be allowed for the duration of the storm. Hawaiian shirts, flip-flops, and open-toed sandals are acceptable during named tropical storms only.
It’s just a little rain. If that freaks you out, please be advised that no one cares about your phobias, Karen.