A new survey indicates Americans are more optimistic about the job market than they have been in recent months, meaning everyone’s flogging employers with their resumes.

If you are lucky enough to land an interview for a position that pays actual money, please be advised that there are just some things you should avoid saying when sitting down to meet with your potential future boss:

1. “Can we hurry this up? I’m hoping to get home in time to catch ‘The Chew.’”

2. “One of my references won’t be reachable until September when he’s up for parole.”

3. “Can I enroll my pet tarantula in the company daycare?”

4. “You want me to work Monday through Friday? Does that mean the weekend starts on Friday or is that also considered a work day?”

5. “My three biggest weaknesses? Fun-size Milky Ways, shoplifting and an unapologetic love of Bette Midler music.”

6. “Can I borrow 20 bucks?”

7. “I’m surprised the position hasn’t been filled yet. I figured if there was a job opening, Ryan Seacrest would get it.”

8. “Let’s not waste each other’s time. Here’s a deck of cards. If I can guess the one you pull out, you hire me on the spot.”

9. “I’m a real go-getter. For instance, after I leave here I’m going to get a couple dozen lottery tickets, so I don’t have to work again.”

10. “Does the benefits package include discounted admission to Chuck E. Cheese?”

11. “Is that a picture of your daughter? She’s hot.”

12. “Is that a picture of your wife? She’s even hotter.”

Job Interview Mistakes

13. “You say the company promotes from within. How long before I can expect to have your job?”

14. “Do you happen to have any rash ointment on you?”

15. “I’m looking for a long-term position, so I should tell you right now that I will need to take a personal day when the next ‘Hunger Games’ movie comes out.”

16. “You say you have casual Friday. Would you be interested in hearing my proposal for amusement park Thursday?”

17. “I’m very interested in this job. I’d be even more interested if I didn’t have to work for a woman.”

18. “Will I be able to set up direct deposit so that my paycheck goes straight to a guy named Javier who works by the overpass under the freeway?”

19. “If hired, my first order of business will be to make sure they don’t make a ‘Twins’ sequel.”

20. “Exactly how often will you check my Internet search history?”

21. “I’m not really interested in the 401(k). Talk to me when you have a 402(k).”

22. “Wow, that is one ugly tie you’re wearing.”

23. “Unless you bat me cleanup on the softball team, there’s no way I will consider working here.”

24. “Would you mind giving me the names and addresses of the other candidates for this position?”

25. “Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Eric Stoltz in ‘Mask’?”

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