Top 10 Easy Ways To Burn Calories Without Exercising

39% of Americans say they work out zero times a week.  Which raises the question:  how do you stay slim when you blow off the gym?

Simple!  Just follow today's list of the Top 10 Easy Ways to Burn Calories without Exercising:

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1. Tell your wife what you really think of her haircut and then dodge whatever she hurls at you.

2. Take the stairs at work.  Okay, unemployment office.  Okay, homeless shelter.

3. Don't just sell meth.  Use it!

4. Do things by hand. Take your mind out of the gutter on this one, lol.

5. Maintain a brisk trot as you go door-to-door stealing Amazon packages.

6. Replace your office chair with that giant inflatable thing that looks like Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's testicle after he got vaccinated.

7. Knit.  It's why you never see a fat 98-year-old.

8. Cut your grass with a push mower.  Or even better yet...scissors.

9. Get rid of your handyman and do household chores yourself.  Unless he looks like The Rock and works without a shirt.  Then, just sit back and be fat and happy.

10. Have tons of sexy time.  Ha-ha-ha!  Sorry, I tried to stay away from the obvious.